I thought this might be a good first blog to get me started. It is after all the month of June and the 50th anniversary of Stonewall. The struggle was real.

I attended my first Gay Pride event in NYC back in the early 80’s. I can’t say I had recently come out as I never came out in the sense most people think. I, on the other hand, came out of my mother’s vagina and bam, I was a lesbian. To this day though some may not believe I have never been tainted by the scent of a man at least not in a sexual manner. They call that a gold star. Not very appropriate since I am not fond of the color gold and it’s a reference to those in the military who died for their country is much more deserving of the title. I am not sure why never being with a man is so unbelievable to many. I know more hetero folks who have never been in love with or had sex with their own sex and no one finds that unusual.

I knew from a very young age I was not the same as the other girls. Sure I was a tomboy but that alone does not a lesbian make. I had crushes on teachers both in grade school and throughout college. I was not sure what the feelings were until I fell in love with Rita G. at Boston University. I was done, she was it and as usual, I fell hard. She was one of only 3 women in my almost 56 years I would ever be in love with. She started my dreaded journey into falling for straight women. Yes to this day I have never been in love with, slept with or anything with another full-fledged lesbian. A life long uphill battle of fitting into the identity of that which was not me. I was the first real girl love of 2 of my 3 love affairs and with Rita is was an affair in my head and my heart never to come to any fruition. A fine therapist I was seeing then said they were the best kind because they could be whatever you wanted them to be and he was correct. It was by far the best.

It was not until FB did we reconnect. Yep, she married Brad her college love. He became a big-time attorney, they had 2 kids and he cheated on her. She is now overweight, a lonely wealthy woman who lives with her dog in a million-dollar home in Boston. She made a name for herself in HR and finally after many years apologized for turning her back on me in college. She said she had no frame of reference were her exact words to deal with my attraction even though she was a psych major. She came from a strict orthodox Jewish family and it was not something she had ever dealt with. She was sorry. We wrote of our day’s back then, some fun times and memories and exchanged photos. She said she was going to call me to talk. Like back in school she gave me a day and time on multiple occasions and I sat home and waited as I did after I left school in 82. The cell phone now never rang. I finally moved on. I thought about Rita most every day of the years that had passed in some form or another. I suppose one would say my next relationship was not that great if I was thinking of another for so long. I would fantasize of how my life might have been had she not pushed me away. Now I think about how hers might have been as well.