So I just returned from NYC Pride 2019. My trip started out a bit down as NYC has always been our happy place. As a matter of fact, most any place traveled is our happy place. It is the everyday routine of life that seems to cause problems. Ya know the adulting part. Work,bills,people. I suppose if I were very wealthy and neither had to work and we could travel the world taking pictures, drinking good wine and eating in fine establishments life would be perfect. Well, you and I both know that is not really true. No matter where you go there you are. If you are not happy with you, you cannot be happy anywhere with anyone.
It seemed like no matter where I was or what I was doing she was with me in my mind and heart. Wishing she was here to see, hear, touch, smell the city. Feel the energy. Hold my hand when she felt most comfortable doing so but she was not. Love was literally everywhere in that city this past week. Girls with girls, men with men, people with people. Loving, laughing and celebrating each other and love. I took myself out to our favorite place for dinner on Wed night. I sat at the bar with the other singles. It is just depressing. The lonely hearts club. An attractive young publisher from Melbourne sat next to me. She struck up a conversation. I was hesitant at first.
She was younger, attractive and probably straight. What if she hit on me, dear God I thought as I looked in the mirror across the bar. That is not going to happen and all you do is think about her no one will ever come along in your life if you do not stop thinking about her. But at that moment, I remember something a therapist told me years ago about a relationship that would never be other than in my mind. He said they were the best because they could be whatever you wanted them to be. Maybe I would just keep a running fantasy in my head for the rest of my life as to what I wanted my life to be with her. All I wanted was to be in love and be happy. Like normal people. Like my friends Susan and Sandy,20 years and they are happy, they don’t fight, they love each other and now that one is very ill the other loves her even more and takes care of her every need. Whatever she can do to make her loves life a little more bearable.
I met 2 beautiful successful men, together 39 years since very young men. They were giddy at times. Have young children, a nice life. I am sure they have had tough times but they are committed to each other. Break up, leaving is not an option with these couples. Nor was it with my previous relationship but I broke her heart. Yep and now it’s coming around to me. My heart has been broken so many times and so deeply I shudder at the thought of ever putting it out there on the front line again to be possibly obliterated my another. I highly doubt intellectually that can happen because at the edge of 56 I know my heart and my head and this woman, the one that is no longer in my life, she was the one I will always want but I also know she was not the love of my life. If she were I would not be writing this and she would not be living somewhere else, not speaking to me because we cannot communicate on any level. If she were the love of my life I would not have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again. I would have come home from a weekend of high energy love to her love. Instead, I came home to only be deflated within 2 hours of being in her presence as was she in mine. It always ends the same. She leaves we don’t speak we go no contact until the next time my heart needs to be broken. Until the next time she misses me and we say it will be different this time but it never is. Until one of us finally, say no more. Not again.
Love is Love…
In my entire life, I have never been envious of anyone or anything. Not them because they make more money or live in a bigger house. Not those that have better careers or drive newer cars. Maybe the woman who weighs 130 lbs and is prettier or has better genes but even then not really. There is one thing I am envious of and I am just now seeing it. Well, actually the last 5 plus years. Love. I am envious of LOVE. LOVE envy for my friends who are still deeply in love after 20,30,40 plus years. My friends who have spouses they love to the moon and back or who have a tight group of friends who always have their back who they have known since childhood. They love like family. I am envious of Portia and Ellen, Melissa and Linda, Sue and Sandy, Helen and Maria, Buck and Wayne, Kevin and Brian. No matter what is thrown at them they have each other’s back, each other’s heart gently cradled in the palm of their hands.. Breaking up is not an option. They each carry the same load though their roles may differ. One always knowing the other loves them completely. I fucking envy that and the sad thing is people thought I had that and so did I once but I moved on to who I thought was the one. No regrets other then perhaps I was not her one an now we are 2. Two women living separate lives who keep trying to make it work both knowing it never will. I knowing it was never meant to be. We are too different, We don’t love the same, have the same desires, passions, feelings. Neither wrong just different yet always blaming the other. Maybe neither really wanted it bad enough. Now I know that is not true, I have never wanted anything more than her.
Today my heart is broken in a million tiny shards. Broken over what was and what will never be. Broken over a failed marriage, failed friendship, partnership. Failed love. Today I am trying to come to grips with no more tries, no more one more time. Today I am suffering deeply with the thoughts of turning 56 on Friday and not with her driving the Cove looking for baby bear cubs riding shotgun or sitting on the stoop watching fireworks. Today I am just getting by one minute, hour, a day at a time and trying to not look back anymore at what can never be. Today is almost over so I am one day closer to not feeling like this.
Update: I am now 58 and yes still dealing with the mess of this nightmare but I am still here and I am happy!
