Being born into a large Italian family meant big holidays. Especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My maternal grandmother lived for those holidays. Easter was spent in South Philly with the Vitello side where we would get a large ornate chocolate egg from John Wanamaker with our names engraved on it.It would be beautifully perched inside the basket in the pretty store packaging.What I remember most was it was never opened or eaten it was solely for aesthetic purpose. Not much fun for an overweight kid who loved chocolate.
The 4th of July was always spent home in the Bronx since my birthday was on the fifth and the fireworks were always better in the Bronx. Christmas and Thanksgiving as well. I do not remember Thanksgivings as much as Christmas. My maternal grandmother born a couple of weeks before Christmas loved that holiday the most and being the first born of my generation, so did I, well at least until 1986,the year she died. I turned 23 that July and instead of meeting my crew at the bars to celebrate I stayed home and sat on the couch most of the weekend. She did her crossword puzzles while I watched TV all day and night. A week to the day after my birthday she was gone and so was my life,at least then I felt that way and for a long time after.
I don’t ever remember participating in holidays after that. They would never be the same again. I know when the tree was going up I would always be gone. I don’t remember a turkey dinner at all until 1993. That was the year I met Sandra. She was also born a few days before Christmas and my grandmother would have loved her. She loved the holidays as much as gramma. When she asked me about the holidays I told her I did not care for them and was fine not making a big deal. No,she had spent holidays alone due to an asshole husband and it was time for her to do what she wanted. She made every tree ornament our first Christmas, the same turtle neck sweaters in complimentary colors for photos and people,always people. I knew few she knew more. A large turkey with all of the sides. I never to this day liked dry turkey and especially stuffing. I did what I had to do to keep her happy. Whoever we did know we invited and sometimes family as well. We started to spend Thanksgiving at the lake house in NC towards the end which suited me more. Any place near the water or where I could get in my boat and feel free for a few hours despite the cold. Sandra always made the holiday dinners or at least she would say so. She prepared the turkey after I prepared the brine after going and buying the turkey. She would then place it in the oven and I continued to baste and took it out when I thought it was done and I carved it and baked the pies but yes, she made dinner. She always presented a beautiful table. She would put out multiple crystal glasses.I never understood why we needed a glass for red,one for white and a water glass. Would one not select their color before the meal and stick with one? I always used a small jelly jar for my red and no water,sweet tea. or diet ginger ale was always my choice. It thru the entire table off and would really piss her off. What pissed me off was with so many glasses,every year without fail one of those expensive Waterford Marquis glasses that cost over a hundred bucks each would be knocked over and shatter and I would have to go to Macy’s and replace it.When she did finally leave I made her take all of the china and crystal.I would never use it again.
Fast forward 20 years. That relationship was over and the next beginning. She did not want to see me and would not allow me to come get my dogs until she was gone. Blonde decided she was obligated to spend the week with her I thought ex boyfriend and his family so yes, it was my first solo ever Thanksgiving. She at least let me stay at her house while she was gone. It was a short walk from mine. After I picked my boys up I decided we would walk to the top of Kennesaw Mt. In all the years I lived just walking distance I had never done this. Sandra was not the outdoors type, home decor and make up was her thing. She always said she was caviar and I was peanut butter… and I just never thought much about it. That year was a good time to reflect closer to God so up we went. It was a bit of a challenge and on the way down Tyler had enough and yes, I had to add and extra 10 lbs. to my already overweight self.. I was not feeling turkey that year so a cheeseburger from the local pub was dinner.
The next 9 or so years were either ok and bearable or just plain shit. I even ran away from home at least one year and spent another solo towards the end. It was mostly spent with people I was not very fond of and definitely not grateful for but blonde spends her life trying to recreate a life long gone. She never finds it and never will. Having people and family she longed for but you can’t force that to happen. It’s organic, it either is or isn’t. We did got to New York a few years ago but the restaurant sucked and it was the coldest in the cities history I think ,so we blew off the parade. Since I don’t remember much more I suppose not much to remember. Fast forward last year. It would be our last together. The ride with her and my 2 boys was a harrowing experience filled with road rage and yelling and screaming. I was blown away and by the time we arrived at this amazingly beautiful home on the beach we had been to before I was sure it would be our last. She was actually upset because it was over before this trip but she took the invite from me as a make up vs. a no one should be alone for the holidays and she was like family.
Her behavior was abhorrent for a week making everyone uncomfortable. The ride home was no better. My sister offered to drive with us but I did not want her to experience what I knew would be hell. We were dropped off never to hear or see from her again. A week later she was in bed with my attorney ,a month later claiming to love him and now a full year later they are living together. Needless to say it has not been the best year of my life, well almost.
Here I am exactly a year later and I am happy to say it has been a wonderful holiday. We are back at the beach house, no we have not had heat and now no hot water, yes, even $4 million beach homes run out of gas on the worst possible day yet no one is upset. We put Thanksgiving dinner off until tomorrow, tonight we grill.
My mom has been under a blanket comfy on the sofa watching the Macys Day Parade,the dog show and she was served Thanksgiving pot pie for lunch. My sister went to the beach,napped on the deck and just got out of an ice cold shower feeling invigorated. Renee has napped and my cousin Joe just went on a 5 mile walk with his ear buds and a beautiful, grateful heart.
My brother is missing which hurts my heart not only for me but for my sister and mother but some people are just not meant to be in our lives regardless of family ties.
As for me.well,I have been happier than I have ever been.What and who I have gained in my life these last 4 months has far exceeded what I have lost.My only regret is that I did not lose some sooner but God obviously has a plan for me.I’v lost love,I’ve lost family,I’ve lost friends but in those loses and what they did to me and cost me I found new friends who genuinely care,who support,mentor,advise and say I love you allot and mean it. They have championed me to do what I love,write my story even if no one wants to read it,write for myself. They have also taught me that I matter,my words matter and following my dreams matter. They are teaching me to learn to trust again which is really hard for me. I know their intentions are good and not self serving. Baby steps and my trust will be back as it was before and I will judge better who are real and who are in it to take and hurt me. Some have and will become like family. I have gained new friends in the Storytellers Summit School as well. Women who are from all over,different ages,lifestyles,religious beliefs,financial status but what we have in common is greater than our differences.These women have become friends,some closer than others but we all truly care about each other and I know these relationships will grow as the years pass.It is a bit heartbreaking to have people you’ve only just met show more love ,concern and support for me then some I have known and even loved for years. I have also formed new relationships with women in FB groups that also have brought much to my life in the form of laughter,support,like interest and who knows what else some will lead to. I just know I feel nothing but good from everyone and though I still feel pain,deeply at times I have learned to smile thru the pain and not let it consume my thoughts,at least not when others are around. Hopefully as time passes so will those thoughts until they very rarely if ever fill my mind anymore.
As for love,well, I am a lover of women,a lover of being in love, a lover of sharing my life with another but none of those loves have served me well.Yes,I am here because of what each woman gave to me but more so what they took from me. My feelings of sharing myself that closely with another are ambivalent.My heart will always want to but it has definitely led me astray too often.I have a real problem trusting it anymore.I am not sure the life I envision for myself will allow another in it .The sameness has to be allot greater than before because I am not as willing to compromise my happiness or my life choices for another but that may change if the “right “one should come along. I will never as much as I say close my heart off to love. It’s not in my DNA but I will never accept for the sake of not wanting to go it alone. As it turns out I have been going it alone for 30 years. I sent a beautiful woman flowers recently for her birthday. She thanked me,she said no one else sends her flowers.I don’t know if she meant that,I hope not,I said all women deserve to be sent flowers if even for no reason. I used to bring mine home flowers just because. What that woman may not have realized was the pleasure I got knowing the pleasure it brought to her.That I miss, so now I will send women flowers I am not in a romantic relationship with because it fills my heart with joy as much if not more than it does them in receiving. This year I have learned to change things up,give to others who truly appreciate rather than expect. I don’t have to be sleeping with women to bring a smile to their face whether it be a friend,mentor or family. It allows me to not have to change who I am to prevent being hurt.
I am not the same woman I was on this very day a year ago and for that and the people who helped me get here I am forever grateful. I am grateful for a family that has been pained by my actions but still love and support me.I am grateful for my 2 boys who have brought me boundless joy and kept me alive at my darkest times. I am grateful for an amazing therapist who for the last 2 years has helped in so many ways and always has my back but I am most grateful for a God that no matter how many times I fuck up,how many times I have gone off path and the times I committed the worst of sins has accepted my penance and allowed me to keep getting up and giving me another chance to get it right. He recently allowed me to understand the true meaning of forgiveness and though I have forgiven most of those who have hurt me he knows there are a couple I am still not and maybe will never be able to forgive and it’s ok. I have also asked for forgiveness from those I have hurt,some said they accept,others said no and I don’t care what happens to me.I was able to walk away knowing I did the right thing.
Moving forward I just want to walk in a footprint of light and peace and no more angst and hatred,it has almost taken my life too many times. I have lived in the dark for so long and now the light is so much brighter which helps me see what is important in life and for all of that on this Thanksgiving 2021 I am thankful…
Post navigation
