This day…

” I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common woman with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life.There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all of my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

But it was never enough for her…

November 7 has become the worst day of the year for me. November 7,2012 my best friend succumbed to cancer,I miss her terribly.I miss our long talks about life, death and everything in between.She was a red,I a blue she was straight, me, well you know but we loved the same. She was the big sister I never had. The last conversation we had she told me to be happy. She knew Sandra, we were all good friends but she knew I was unhappy.She said not to do what she did, wait too long then it’s too late and there is no more time to love. Go if you have to but she did not like blonde at all.No one really did but I loved her. I loved her so much. At least I thought I did but how could I love someone who has brought such pain and misery to my life. She crept in with her seductive ways ,her beautiful blue eyes, those eye’s they got me every time. I could have never imagined they would ever turn black and dead when I looked at them in a court room 9 years later. Blonde hair, in my entire life I had never been attracted to or dated a blonde and that smile with teeth as white as snow, she melted my heart at hello. The same smile that kept me coming back for more as well as the crocodile tears that she shed so easily knowing my heart would break with every drop always dragging  me back into her den of loveless abuse.

It was bad from jump but she had a hook in me so big I could not cut free if I wanted to and God knows I tried many times but trauma bonding is real even for the strongest of us. Yes. I could be a real bitch, tough as nails in business and in protecting those I love but when it comes to loving a pretty woman I am as weak as they come. In our worst of times I felt more alive then the best in my previous life. She was more than I could ever imagine would want to marry me or even want me at all. I thought she was so much more than she turned out to be. She didn’t want me though, it was all a big lie. She never loved me or cared about me, it was all an act to gain what she needed. Her MO with them before me and now my once attorney and advisor after me.. I never thought of marriage my entire life because I was never allowed to marry. How crazy is that to even write.An American citizen saying I was not allowed to marry. I never realized what I did not have until I was given it. I remember laying in bed with her eagerly waiting for SCOTUS to decide our future June 26,2015. We watched together when the decision was made and I wept along with many others. I had someone in my life I actually wanted to spend all of eternity with. I wanted to be married to her. I turned to her and she too was crying.She said she finally got it. She knew I was treated less than my entire life. She had already been married twice. When we first met she said she had been with a woman but it was not cheating on her husband because it was a woman and did not count. 1st red flag. It counted and she had not been with a woman. I do not consider 2 straight drunk woman kissing being with each other. I knew later on she had zero experience with women.

All I knew was I felt for her like I had never felt before, I was mesmerized by her, everything about her. She on the other hand never felt .It was all a lie. 9 years of nothing but bull shit lies.

We battled and loved for 4 years before getting married. Neither proposed we just said ok. I would have loved to propose on bended knee or be proposed to which would have never had happened. She did not want any of that. Marrying me had nothing to do with love, vows, death do us part. It was blondes day in the spotlight. She even said she had no choice in her last 2 weddings and she wanted to have a wedding that she wanted and she got it. All false pretense that I funded along with good friends who provided all of the food.This friend was hers but had become mine more so. She told me to run the day she met me,I did not listen. She paid knowing we would not make it but she wanted to help me out knowing it was costing way more then I had budgeted for. I also knew that day and even before it was not forever, nothing is with her. She had to have the best of everything and I gave her anything she wanted with nothing in return ever. I totally depleted my self until I was barely breathing.

The facility, just across the street from my house, yes I see it every day, a reminder of my biggest mistake, well just another big mistake, my first mistake was saying hello, it came with chairs but I had to get Chiavari chairs, I had no clue what they were, found out the rich people use them for their parties and the Oscars, yes,$1200 for chairs we already had, no one other than her gave a shit about the chairs, a dance floor for no one to dance, She always wanted to dance yet would not dance with me. And the flowers, are you fucking kidding me? Her friend came back from Costco with a receipt for over a thousand dollars. It’s fucking whole sale. Who needs all of those flowers, just suck it up, write the check, it’s almost over, I was pretty much done by then. The day after the wedding she made a dozen or so arrangements that I delivered to local hospices and senior centers in the neighborhood.

Our wedding, my wedding was a spectacle for her to shine. I was just the one who paid and said I do. She wanted nothing to do with the parts I thought were important. Our vows, we both write, she probably better than me. I asked, begged we write our own vows. She refused, she said mine would be better when in reality she did not want to publicly lie in front of our families who flew in to witness this, our deacon I asked to bless our union, the Judge who was a personal friend who in jest said during our interview I may have a good 6 years left based on her previous history .Such a premonition. He also signed our divorce papers almost 3 years later. She could not speak of loving me, wanting to spend her life with me. When we spoke the generic vows she was mentally checked out. I see it now in her eyes when looking at photos. She hated the 2 wedding songs I picked that resonated with me. All of me ,John Legend and 1,00 years Christina Perrie. I felt both of those songs deeply.She could care less. She did not want to deal with a prayer for the deacon to recite, she left that to me and my mom picked out something. All she cared about was the decor ,how it would look to the 70 or so guests most of whom I could not stand. Other than family and a few friends most were neighbors I still don’t talk to, movers and shakers in the legal world all friends of mine. Other then her few family members and a neighbor girlfriend of hers all were mine and she did not have anyone close to invite. It was a big farce. I would have been happy in NYC or the base of the mountain near our home, jeans ,boots and a nice sweater.

I hated my outfit, my hair, everything about myself. I loved our engagement photos though we were really not engaged, no engagement rings it just came with the photo package and the photos came out so bad we never really looked at them. She did partake in the choice of matching bands. Yes, I still have mine, It fits again and I recently tried it on and had to quickly remove it before I broke down. Hers is gone. She took it off more times than I can remember and when she would leave I would find it shoved somewhere, it meant nothing to her, it broke my heart in a million pieces every time I would find it. Her wedding dress in a ball shoved in the bottom of a closet, she had no regard for anything. Mine never left my left hand. I loved wearing it and seeing it on her. It connected us, at least it did for me. As of this day everything I ever gave her has been trashed. She could care less. The $800 wedding cake was really the only good thing about that wedding and never did I think our cute cake baker would be the daughter in law of the man she now sleeps with and together they all are one big happy pretend family.

The night of the wedding I wanted to freeze the cake topper, it’s tradition to eat it on the 1st anniversary instead she ate it that night and on our 1st anniversary I bought another. She was back to being miserable not long after as predicted. Bored and nothing to look forward to .All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and love me, be in love with me as I was her.

She had no idea what it felt like to be in love with her or then to lose her. I bought her a pearl David Yurman bracelet for our so called engagement, another for her 50th birthday, she still wears them with zero emotional attachment. She does not even remember what today is or October 17, or July 5, it is all gone from her mind because those days, the significant ones in 3331 days or 9 years, one month and 12 days mean nothing to her. She moved on in less than a week. I was more than ready for it to be over but it was the unfathomable betrayal that followed that took me out. The after math that is still going on that until it is over I have to think about her, face her, them and I am ready for that. I want to see her eye’s , I want to look at the deadness in them and know my life will forever be better than hers and I have always been the better part of what was once us.

As I hold back the tears I swore I would not shed and put on a different play list because the last just played both songs, I turned to my good bottle of bourbon given to me by the next one I would too quickly fall for that I am living someone else life. This is the first year that I know we will never be together again. We will never speak words of love or even have friendship. The hatred she has for me runs deep. It is what she needs to wake up every morning and look at her self in the mirror and look at him.

My life is changing so quickly I can’t keep up with me sometimes. All for the better. I divorced blonde in March of 2018, it was final in May of the same year. My divorce attorney is now living and sleeping with my ex wife. The woman I once told I would jump in front of a train for because I had not much to live for and she had kids and grands. My tears are not for her, she was no lose, my tears are for the love I had for her, the immense, heartbreaking love. The years wasted. The many times of laughter I don’t believe were real. The millions of I love you’s I meant and recently could not tell a total stranger during an exercise I loved them because the words would not fall off my lips. I had none left in me at that moment. I think about the thousands of photos I have deleted from every device and every fucking where I look there are a thousand more.

I think knowing how much she took from me. Trust, love the words I love you ,the absolute joy of being married if only for a short time. I will never be married again. My family and friends would stage an intervention. My sisters worries at the mention of another woman be it in person or texting to another country. She knows me well. I loved blonde the day I divorced her. It broke my heart, it was the happiest day of my life in my heart but I was ignorant to the affects of being married. I thought it meant to love someone at a higher level ,the highest level possible and all I wanted to do was love her as much as one human could love another but I was not thinking of the legal and financial ramifications. I could not risk losing everything I worked for because of her financial irresponsibilities. Did I not love her enough? My home was all I had, She would not risk losing anything over me. I took her back 2 months later . She was broke again and claimed she loved me. She forgave me for divorcing her. Forgave me? She was happy when she returned and then she had to go again, I moved her out but continued to love her from a distance. No matter what she did,I accepted and forgave and loved.

I thought I could love the sickness out of her. No I could not fix what was broken instead I broke into a million little pieces not knowing who I was anymore. The constant promises of change, the begging, the convincing, the trauma bonding. I was so weak still. I fell for her every time. I told her when it was over no matter where we went with our lives, no matter how much time passed, whether I was with someone or not If she ever needed anything, anyone I would always be there for her. I suppose I need to retract that. I can’t or wont be there for her when she wants nothing but to see me destroyed. She wanted me in jail. She claimed 9 years of emotional and physical violence from me yet she wanted to marry me again and live with me shortly before I called it quits for good. I never abused her all I ever did was love her and care for her and wanted the same in return, She was my blonde, the love of my life, all I ever wanted was forever.

I loved before her and I even started to love again after her but learned quickly she was not the one either but I felt again. I laughed. I look at 9 years of photos and texts, emails when preparing for many court battles. I have had to relive my life with her over and over again and not once did I ever see not even on our wedding day a genuine smile on my face. I looked like I was struggling every time. I looked fearful and concerned at times. I knew we would never make it. I could have gone the distance but she did not have it in her, she wont go the distance with anyone if they challenge her, have expectations of her. As long as they give her whatever she wants she will behave. No one tells blonde what to do.She is entitled. She is also going to hit a wall some day because her beauty is quickly fading. The sexy is all but gone and age is quickly catching up as is the drinking.

I decided a year or so ago I could no longer look at myself in a mirror. My weight was again at an all time high, I felt awful and what I saw was a loser, a sucker a woman who got taken in the name of love, not by 1, 2 but 3 women who never wanted me for me. I decided then I needed to change, someone said I was trying to erase myself. I started dropping weight and little by little whittling away at who I was and started to create who I have always wanted to be. I am comfortable in my skin for the first time. I am genuinely happy with many aspects of my life but still many changes to be made. I am starting to like what I see in the mirror.

Am I lonely for the love of a woman,I would be lying to you and myself if I said no. 30 years committed to 2 women is almost half my life  and I love to love . I love knowing them, learning them and spoiling them. I feel like that is what I do best in life, at least it is what I thought but I have failed miserably.I loved the wrong ones. I gave without taking and now I am tainted, broken, jaded. I am afraid to lose myself again.It has taken a life time to find me. I have to make a choice now, me or love. I need to choose me for once. I cant have both. I cant be any different. All of the therapy and medication in the world cannot change how I love. Yes, I can to learn to make better choices but I will ruin it. I always do. I can’t love with restriction. I am all in. I am all consuming then they will break me again. That is a risk I am not willing to take. I wished this weekend I had a date,I’ve never dated. It would be nice to be taken out for dinner ,great conversation and a kiss good night. Someone to hold my hand as we walk the beach or travel the world but she does not exist. I believe that. Blonde was my big love, her heart was my home. She was a figment but I was deeply in love with that figment, that heart was real to me. I am holding it all in now as I type,I refuse to give her the satisfaction. The feelings come and go like waves. The ocean, our favorite place, She was the fish, me the crab, the perfect couple according to every astrological article I Googled. How did it go so wrong? It could never go right with her. Now I need to take the final step and let go of the figment too. Let all of her go. I can’t do that until the war is over.I need to just keep reliving her ,every picture, lie, every breath I took for 9 year until the final judgement is made and I can walk away from her, here and all of the memories that haunt me in every nook an cranny of this place. Every where I walk, shop eat I say she did this, she liked that, we did this, ate here. I am sick of thinking about her,I am sick of every fake memory, I am just sick of all of all of it. I loathe who she really is but the memory of who she pretended to be still tugs at me. I have never met anyone like her, the good and the bad. She really is just a fucking nightmare in my life and I just want to throw away all of my devices, clean sweep, new email, google address, whatever shit that allows her to pop up. I want to forget she ever existed but I can’ just yet ,now she comes alive in nightmares. It is all part of the PTSD.

She will be gone from me one day soon and these dates will have no more significance to me. I know I will get there I need to be easy on myself. I learned last week I can’t judge my pain, sorrow, suffering, brokeness by others. My shit is mine and no one really knows what it was like loving this woman, no one knows unless they have loved one like her. The pain is deep. My heart still hurts, it aches sometimes and when I try to hold back my tears the lump in my throat can almost choke me but I need to hold back any emotions she brings. I need to get her completely out of me and I will it will just take more time. Maybe a year is n0t enough but I’m close. I know I am. I long for the day when November 7,2015 is just a day and any November 7 in the future is just that, another day but until  then it  will be the best and worst day of my life…UnHappy Anniversary Blonde …see you in court!